Are you on the brink of a breakup? Are you still trying to figure out if you should stay or go? Sara Davison is here to help you through your decision by giving you specific exercises you can perform so that you are 100% confident in your decision, no matter what it may be. The best part about these exercises is that with this clarity you will be confident in whatever the outcome may be, and you will have clarity on what’s working, what isn’t, and what is or isn’t sustainable for you and your relationship. Tune in for Sara’s remarkable approach to a relationship on the verge of a breakup.

Maybe when you met them, it was very exciting. The honeymoon period was incredible. Maybe that fizzled out. Maybe you’ve been married for a really long time, and you’ve both changed. You both evolved. In fact, I had a client recently who’s been married for over 25 years; her children now are all grown up. And the youngest has now left home and gone off to university. And she said that she had a bit of an epiphany. She knew that she wasn’t happy. She knew that there was something nagging at her. Her relationship hadn’t felt right for a while. But actually, one morning, it hit her really hard. She came downstairs as she would in the morning and sat down at the breakfast table across from her husband, who was reading the paper and eating his breakfast. And she picked up a knife to spread some butter on her warm toast. And then she said, it just struck her a massive realization that she didn’t want to do this anymore. She said that she felt like she looked across the table at her partner of over 25 years, who she cared about, who she’s had some magic moments with, some great times, a wonderful marriage, and they had created an amazing family with these three children that they both love dearly. But she said but suddenly she couldn’t do it anymore. It wasn’t the future she wanted for herself. And she said that made her feel really uncomfortable. But at the same time slightly relieved.

Now maybe this has happened to you, maybe you’ve been together for a long time. Maybe things have fizzled out over a long period of time. Or maybe you’re in a relationship that you want to be in, but you have a nagging feeling that it isn’t right. Maybe you don’t trust your partner. Maybe you doubt yourself, maybe you’re just not sure if this is the right person for you. You know, is there just one person for us? Or are there many? Lots of people have different views on that. What’s your view? What do you think? You know, for me, I think that we have connections with people, and it can be quite a rare experience. But when it comes, it’s really real. But there’s more than one person.

So maybe you’re thinking this person in your relationship? Just are they the right person or, you know, because sometimes things are super, super great, you have an amazing time, and you have great fun together, maybe there is a connection. But maybe other times, you just don’t feel it. Maybe sometimes you just feel a bit distant from them. Or maybe you’ve got a partner that annoys you. You know, and this is something that’s very common. And I see time and time again in my coaching clinic, that partnerships, you know, we have good days and bad days, of course, but this is something more. This is where things have started to stack up over time. And I find that this is the number one breakdown in relationships is when issues, problems, challenges go unresolved. So, for example, a client of mine, I’ll never forget, she told me that he her partner used to really irritate her just by dropping his clothes on the floor. And she said, I know it’s kind of a cliche, and everyone gets fed up, but it really winds me up, that he’ll drop his dirty clothes right by the linen basket, and doesn’t seem capable of putting them into the basket. And she was so upset about it, saying that she felt that it was disrespectful to her. And even though she’d mentioned it, she now found herself nagging about it. And she didn’t even like the sound of her own voice when she did that. But it still annoyed her. So quite often she didn’t even mention it, but she had begun to resent him, and she noticed that other things that then happened just stacked up on top of that original challenge that she had with him; the thing that really irritated her, just became one of my many other things would come up. And she wouldn’t address it because, in her mind, he wouldn’t do anything about it. Anyway, he never did. He never picked his clothes up, even though she told him, she didn’t want to nag anymore, because she just didn’t like doing that. She was beginning not to like herself for the nagging. So she stopped. But what that meant was, she was kind of just sucking up all these other things that were happening, that she wasn’t happy with.

Now, what happened with that is that created this stacking effect where other things were being added to the mix that were annoying her. So sometimes he comes back late from work and wouldn’t tell her that he was coming back late. Sometimes he had a tonality to his voice when he was a bit fed up and didn’t really want to listen to her anymore. That would shut her down. And she felt like she couldn’t talk to him about things. So all these things stacked up, until one day, just a tiny little thing happened, where he left the boots of her car open when he gone out and it had rained. So her car had been filled up with water with rainwater. And that was it, you know, as a one-off incident, she probably would have been okay with it, but because it was the combination, the combination of all these issues stacking up over a long period of time, she just flipped, she absolutely flipped. And that was it. She said it was almost like a switch had gone off in her brain, and she didn’t want to be with him anymore. So that was quite a definitive defining moment. For her, I call it the switch flicking moment where suddenly you just don’t want to be with that person anymore.

Have you ever experienced that? Maybe not in this relationship, but in other relationships? And then it doesn’t really matter what happens after that, because it’s really hard to get those emotions and that connection back. So actually working through and realizing that communication is the number one issue with relationships, and they break down. If you’re not communicating with your partner, then it’s really difficult to get back on track. So communication is absolutely vital to try and figure out whether you should stay or go. Yeah, our relationships are for a lifetime. Some people believe they are, I happen to believe that sometimes relationships come along and serve you for a time in your life. You can have the best time with someone for two or three years, maybe 10-15 years, maybe more, maybe less. But then you grow apart. Things happen in life, which change us as human beings, kids, for one, once you have kids, the dynamic changes, when kids grow up and leave the home, then you’re back to knowing each other again, like the story I told you at the beginning of one of my clients who suddenly realize you have very little in common with the man across the table, because the kids are gone. And that life that she had shared with him was changing. And she felt that they had drifted apart over those years. So relationships come and go, and they serve a purpose. And just because they’re coming to an end doesn’t mean that they haven’t been valuable, it doesn’t mean that they’ve been a waste of your time, or you’ve wasted 10 years.

Someone said to me yesterday I’ve wasted 10 years with this person. Well, you could choose to look at it that way. Absolutely. But my preference is to look at it as if well, I’ve had nine years with this person, I’ve learned things, I’ve experienced things. I’ve had some incredible times, some magic moments, and I’m going to keep those and cherish those because they are important, and wishing your life away is just something that you know doesn’t really serve you or help you move forward.

What I’m looking to share with you here is some tools that can help you move forward positively.

So should you stay or should you go in your relationship right now?

If there are fundamental issues around trust, maybe you just have a niggling feeling or you know, from past experience, that your partner has cheated on you, so, that is a real issue. You know, it is possible because it’s happened before.

So how do you get to the point where you are ready to make that decision?

Because if you’re not ready to make that decision, right now, I can tell you why. It’s because you don’t have enough clarity right now.

Clarity gives you power; knowing more about your situation will enable you to make a better decision.

So I’ve got little exercise that is really powerful. It helps you get more clarity on whether you should stay or go. And it also helps you to make your decision so that if you do decide that it’s time to leave the relationship, then you can do it with no regrets… because there’s nothing worse than walking away from a relationship. And then looking back thinking…

Oh, should I have done more?

Could I have done more?

What if I tried this? What if I had done that?

So this exercise is designed to really help you so that you don’t fall into that trap because before we get into a relationship, especially a marriage, it takes time. For most of us, there’s a lot of planning that goes into it. There’s a lot of thoughts you’re probably dating for quite a long time, and then planning the wedding. My goodness, well, that can take years, right even down to the smallest of details, like the seating arrangements, table plans, what you’re going to eat, the dress, who’s going to be bridesmaid, all those things, so, so, so much to organize all that time and effort.

But we live in a society today that is an incredibly disposable culture. You know, it’s a disposable society where if you don’t like something, well you change it, you get a new one, you bin it, you change it, you swap it out for something else. We don’t stick at things in this society. Nowadays, we are very open to just changing because the grass might be greener. And often the perception is it is greener.

But the challenge with relationships… is the grass greener?

And if you’re leaving the relationship, why are you leaving?

Are you leaving because you want to be in love with somebody else?

Are you leaving because you want to go on and meet somebody new?

Now my advice would be that the grass may seem greener out there. I mean, I know the celebrity breakup coaches seems to be… you know… you see it in the press all the time that some celebrity is with her partner, or he’s with his partner, they split up. Now it seems relatively painless, because what do we see? A couple of months later, we see them paired up with someone else equally as beautiful, having a great time enjoying life. So it makes us think that it’s easy to swap around and get a new partner very quickly. And that we’ll be happy, and it will be great. What you don’t see through the press is what happens behind closed doors, you don’t see what I get to see sometimes, which is the tears, the pain, the suffering, just like any of us go through. We all go through pain and suffering at the end of a relationship. It’s normal, it’s natural. This is what breakups are, we have to grieve the end of a relationship in order to move on. So making the decision to leave your relationship is a big decision.

Divorce is known as the second most traumatic life experience we go through after death of a loved one.

So it is definitely something that should not be rushed into. It should be something you take your time and consider and make sure that you’re making the right decision for you. Now, sometimes that decision is made for us and the episodes that are going to follow this will cover that and give you the tools to cope better, to be able to manage, to dial down those negative controlling emotions, and work through that heartbreak so that you can start to feel good again and take control of your life. But if you’re in a situation where you’re thinking, should I stay, or should I go, then try this exercise. This exercise is designed to give you more clarity, and to give you the power to make a better decision.

If you can do this exercise with your partner, then excellent. That’s what we want. But don’t worry if you can’t, because some of you will find that you’re in relationships where your partner isn’t communicating very well or doesn’t want to take part or maybe doesn’t really seem like they want to save this relationship at all. Don’t worry, you can do this on your own, but it is more effective if you can do it together. So how does this exercise work?

Well, first of all, find a time with your partner where you can sit uninterrupted and have a discussion. Okay, now obviously, if you’re not going to do this with your partner or they’re unwilling to do with you, then you’ll skip this stage. But ideally, if you can find some time to sit with your partner, set the ground rules, and explain that this is an important discussion. And that you’re not going to be blaming and you hope they’re not going to blame you; you create a safe space where you agree and commit to having an open conversation, and that it won’t go out of control. That it won’t get heated. It won’t be difficult; you won’t put blame on each other. This is really just to keep it as neutral as possible, but to add some topics that you want to talk about.

1. Now, the first thing you want to talk about is to come up with the things that you love about the relationship. Now, if this is going to be a problem, have a think beforehand, okay? Don’t sit there trying to think of something because that can be difficult. So it could cause a few tensions as well. So have a think beforehand? What are the things I love about my relationship? What are the things I love about my partner, and then they’re the things you’re going to talk about first. Because it’s always good to both relax into this talking about things you do appreciate. You know, it might be that you say you love it when your partner brings you a cup of tea in bed on a Sunday morning, or you love it when your partner helps you with carrying the bags in, or it might be you love it when they do little things for you that make you feel special. Whatever it is, come up with a few things that you love about them. It might be the fact that they’re very attractive to you or something that means something to you that you can share with them, that’s going to make them feel good. Okay, so I want you first just focus on the positive things, the things you do love now try and come up with three things. Okay, and as I said before, prepare this in advance, because you don’t want to be struggling at this point in the conversation because it makes your partner feel bad. Okay, so start with the things you love. Okay, you could go first and then ask them to come back and what do they love about the relationship or like or appreciate, okay, so you both share those things first.
2. I want you to talk about the areas you would like to improve. Now, keep it simple, and keep it without blame or accusations. So for example, you might say, sometimes when you speak to me in that tone, it makes me feel a little uncomfortable or upset. And I wonder if we could work on that find a way that we could get through it that makes me feel more comfortable. But it also helps you get what you need across to me as well. So we improve our communication. So keeping it light, not too detailed, but just letting them know that there’s something there that needs improvement for you to feel happy in the relationship. And then ask them, what areas would you like to improve? Okay, so once you’ve both had a chance to have this conversation, then you go on to the last bit.
3. Come up with no more than five things that you each commit to doing to improve that relationship for the next three months, yes, three months, 12 weeks. Now, the reason it’s three months is because that gives you enough time to work through it and get more clarity. If you just do it for a couple of weeks, you will have no idea if that’s sustainable long term, if your partner is going to stick to it, if you can stick to it, if you want to stick to it. So three months gives you time to work through it also gives you the chance to have more of these discussions and helping each other keep on track.

You know, if you can work together to say, look, sometimes we’re going to forget, sometimes you might slip up, but we’re going to commit to working through because we really want to make this relationship work when really want to improve it and take it to the next level. So if you can do that with your partner both commit to no more than five things, it could be less, but keep it simple, five key things that you can both do and commit to doing over the next three months to make your relationship better. Now, if you’re doing this on your own, then you could just work through the exercise coming up with the things you love. Because it’s always good to focus on those really make you remember why you’re fighting to save your relationship, and then follow through with the things that you’d like to improve. Now, obviously, you can’t force your partner to do anything, but what could you do to step up and improve their relationship? Now, what will happen is that over those couple of months, you will see a difference.

One of my male clients came to me say my wife is going to leave me; she’s told me when the eldest child goes to university, she told me she’s leaving. She said, I never listen to her. She told me what she needs me to do to improve. And I just don’t do it. He said, but I don’t really understand what I should do. I don’t really understand how to do it. So his wife had given up, she didn’t want to talk. She didn’t want to go to marriage counseling. So he’d come to me on his own worried about the breakup. So we went through this exercise just with him on his own, and said, What is it that you could do to improve this relationship? And he came up with five things that he could go away and do. Now his wife was so impressed with what she’d seen him do that she came to see me six weeks later, and said, what has happened to my husband?? Finally, after all these years, he started doing the things that I wanted him to do that I nagged him to do. And now he’s doing them and it’s completely changed our relationship. I want to give something back now; I want to step up and contribute. I was out, but now I’m open to saying what can I do because it’s got to be a two-way thing.

So the beauty of that is that even if your partner doesn’t want to take part with you, by you stepping up and doing these things, it will attract them to step up too if this relationship is worth saving. So after these three months or even during, you’re going to get a feel for whether this is sustainable. Now, what I mean by sustainable is one of my clients said to me, while I’m doing the exercise, sorry, the problem is, I’ve got to come home from work after a full day’s work because she worked full time, and I’ve got to cook dinner. And then I’ve got to have it on the table by the time he comes in for work, which is usually not far after I come home from work. And then we’re going to sit down and eat together. She said that something that’s really important to him. And it was one of the things that I agreed I would do. She said, I also when I come home from work, I’m wearing high heels all day in a suit in a fitted jacket, she said, I just want to put my comfy clothes on, and take my makeup off and put my hair up in a scrunchie. But he’s asked me is one of the things to make a bit more effort with my appearance. And so I’m trying, but I’m finding it exhausting. Now, whatever you think about the things that her husband asked her to do, the fact is that it wasn’t sustainable for her, you know, halfway through this process, she already knew that she was exhausted, she wasn’t enjoying it. And if this is what it took to save her relationship, and she couldn’t do it. So actually, this process didn’t last 12 weeks, it only lasted a couple of weeks until she was like, I can’t do this, I can’t do it. And then having discussions with him, it just became very clear that they wanted very different things from the relationship. And even though they had both made an attempt to do what the other person had asked them to do to improve it, it just was never gonna work. So they decided before the three months was that, that their relationship was done. And they moved on knowing that they had done everything that they could to try to save that relationship, but it just wouldn’t work. So they walked away knowing that yes, it was sad, of course, and then you’ve got the healing process to work through.

But at least they weren’t leaving with any regrets… because there’s nothing worse than coming out and feeling that regret or guilt that you didn’t do enough.

So whether you are confused, maybe you’ve got a niggling fear about your partner, what they’re doing, whether they’re committed to you or not. This relationship exercise will really sift through all that. It will really give you the chance to have a look at what’s working and what isn’t working and the areas that you can both commit to working to improve. Now, by stepping up and giving it a go, you will get more clarity. At the end of your three months, you will have a good idea and better information so that you can make a better decision about whether you should stay or whether you should go.

It’s time to get your sparkle back.

I’m Sara Davison, your host, and that’s it for today’s episode. Be sure to join me next time so you, too, can move from Heartbreak to Happiness.